Being Santa: An Epistolary Account
by jbarreto
Summary: My entry for Breath-of-twilight's Christmas portion of the Countdown to 2012. Emmett is a mall Santa, which isn't all it's cracked up to be. Could a cute little elf help change his mind? Lemon. EmxA


Nothing you recognize belongs to me, sadly.

Beta'd by Breath-of-twilight.

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><p>Saturday, November 26th<p>

I love Christmas. I mean seriously, _seriously_ love Christmas. I love Christmas to the extent that I haven't held a roommate for longer than three months in my entire life because, apparently, it's "weird" to play Christmas music in May, or to keep your Christmas tree up indefinitely, or to have Home Alone Thursday and Nightmare Before Christmas Sunday every week.

Being a 24-year-old male who has gone to college, I know plenty of people with much stranger and creepier interests than me. I knew a guy in Junior year who started out every date by asking the girl to name the main flight crew of the _Enterprise._ If she didn't get them all in under a minute, the date was over. Another guy I know literally broke up with a girl for drinking milk. He swears milk is cow pus. I digress.

My name is Emmett, and this year, my dream is coming true. I'm Santa. Seriously, _Santa._ Sure, it's a mall Santa, and my uniform includes waterproof pants because kids are going to spill stuff on me that much, but it's all part of the job. I get to wear the padded suit, the beard, the glasses, the boots. This shit is gonna be awesome.

Monday, December 5th

Being Santa is the worst thing in the fucking world. Did you know that those goddamned waterproof pants are because little kids _piss_ on you? I'm not even kidding you right now. I got peed on three times today. You know how many times too many that is? _Three._

Also, apparently no one wants to be an elf this year, so I have one elf. A painfully awkward woman who scares all of the children with her wide-eyed stares and inability to communicate like a normal person, hence all of the pee. On my pants. Have I mentioned I get peed on a lot?

I've taken to posting on craigslist to recruit elves, because goddammit, I hate getting peed on.

Tuesday, December 6th

No new elves. Two more peeing children. I think this is karma for that pot stage I had Freshman year.

Incidentally, all of my dry cleaning bills are covered by the mall. Let's just say, my dad and brother have been getting their suits cleaned for free. I consider this a small token of appreciation from the mall, to me and mine. Christmas is all about giving, right?

Saturday, December 10th

My prayers have been answered! I have a new elf! And, let me tell you, Santa likey.

Her name is Alice, and she was made to be an elf, small in stature- yet, somehow with a sizeable rack. I will not complain. 'Tis a glorious thing… like Christmas! - spiky black hair, big green eyes, little button nose, big lips, small waist. I'm pretty sure I could fit her entire body in one of my shoes.

She constantly ignores me, and only speaks to me when it is absolutely necessary, but I still think I can work with that. My brother, Edward, thinks that I have no chance, but I know I do. I just need to find my in. Every woman has an in, you just need to find it. Music? Movies? Comic books? Shopping? Lord Of The Rings? Tattoos? I'll figure it out…

In the meantime, I haven't been pissed on once since Alice took over as head elf. Sure, Bella is a nice girl, but she freaks the kids out. Kids can smell fear, and it freaks _them_ out. They're like dogs… or something. I don't know.

I'm the only Santa this year, so I have work every day – hells to the fuckin' yeah – but since tomorrow is Sunday, I don't have to be in until ten. I can hear the beer in my fridge calling my name…

Monday, December 12th

Alice hates men. This is the only explanation I have. She ignores me flat out when I speak to her about anything other than work. Don't believe me? Here's what happened today when we were on lunch.

I was sitting at the table in the break room, eating a sandwich and Alice walked in, all short skinny legs and disproportionally large breasts trying to break free of her elf costume.

"Hey, Alice."

I didn't even get a glance. She just walked to the refrigerator, grabbed her lunch, and sat down at another table to continue ignoring me. She started texting on her phone, smiling immediately, and giggling every once in a while.

Who the hell was she texting? I don't even get a response to a salutation, but someone can make her giggle immediately?

"That your boyfriend, Alice?"

She lifted her head, looked at the wall straight ahead to avoid looking at me, and heaved a big sigh. Just when I thought she would look at me to answer my question, she went back to texting on her phone like nothing happened. I wanted to claw the phone out of her hands, just to see who could possibly be awesome enough for her to not ignore their every word.

Ten minutes into the non-interaction, I had convinced myself she was texting her mother. I mean, come on. I'm a good guy, I'm in shape, I'm pretty handsome-if I do say so myself, and I'm Santa for fuck's sake. SANTA. Clearly, she is just busy with someone whom she shares a very deep bond. If it was a boyfriend, she would have spoken up. No confirmation, no boyfriend. And if she _does_ have a boyfriend, they clearly can't be that serious. Obviously.

I spent the rest of the day mentally making up facts to support my theories about Alice.

_She grew up on the opposite coast and spends all of her free time communicating with her family, due to the time change limiting their availability._

_She just got out of a serious relationship and the mention of her having a boyfriend upsets her._

_She has an overbearing father and communicating with men who are clearly interested in her makes her uncomfortable while talking with him, even via text._

_She is intimidated by strong, attractive men. _

_I am so handsome I cause her to forget how to speak._

She ignored me the rest of the day. This did not cause me to disregard any of my theories.

Saturday, December 17th

Work has become terrifyingly busy. My days have become a horrific blur of single mothers who want to seduce me, children who think I can fix whole-heartedly depressing situations, obnoxious little boys who want "boobies" and "big guns", and spoiled little girls who want "mani/pedis." For the most part, I don't even have time to think about why Alice isn't interested in me. Which, let's face it, is shocking. She's hot, and I have a penis. Clearly, these two things should mesh well. Either way, I was too tired to consider it at too great a length.

My no-pee-streak didn't last forever, but the two piss incidents I did have were far between and had nothing to do with Alice but instead parents potty training too early. I didn't think too much about them, mainly because I was too busy promising children ridiculous gifts.

For the record, if I have to promise one more child a fucking iPad, I am going to put myself out of my misery via a long bath, cuddling my toaster. Just sayin'.

Wednesday, December 21st

She finally, finally spoke to me about something other than work. Alice spoke to me completely of her free will.

I was eating my lunch as quickly as possible, which isn't easy to do as you'd think when you have to keep up this much muscle, when she spoke out of the blue.

"You know," she said without making eye contact, "all of that red meat is probably going to kill you."

I spent a moment looking around the break room, only to realize it was just her and me. Her phone was nowhere in sight, so she had to be speaking to me.

"Oh. I work out a lot… it's mostly for the protein. It's a physician prescribed diet."

I wish I could say I spoke that confidently and without any awkward voice inflection. Let's just say I sounded a bit like Peter in that episode of The Brady Bunch when he goes through puberty. But, before I could think about how dumb I was for too long, I took her statement into consideration.

"Worried about my health, Little One?"

The reaction I had anticipated was her either ignoring me, throwing something at me, or her telling me to shut the hell up. What I did not expect was what actually happened; her flushing from the roots of her hair down to… every piece of skin that was showing. True, it wasn't much, but it was definitely enough for me to know that I had caught her in a situation she had not expected.

I realized, since I somehow still had fifteen minutes left in my break, that I could take my giant, padded red coat off. Just as I was laying the coat over the back of my chair, I caught Alice staring almost open-mouthed at me in my wife-beater and waterproof pants. The longer she looked at me, the more uncomfortable she appeared.

"Want me to have them turn down the heat in here, Short Stack? You look a little flushed."

Instead of responding, she appeared to switch herself "off". One moment she was all sorts of sexy hot and bothered, and the next she was ice cold. Just completely frigid.

She walked out of the room without any response whatsoever.

I think I'm having an effect on her.

Saturday, December 24th

I… I can't even. I don't even…

I'll just retell. My words… they aren't even…

So, Christmas Eve. We got paid double time, not even one and a half, but DOUBLE. Know why? Because this was the day that was literally fucking _insane._ I'm talking people waiting in line five hours to have their photo taken with me. Five fucking hours. Goddamn. I love Christmas, more than most people, but… seriously? Five hours? For a photo you could have gotten a month ago?

Sorry, crazy people, I'm not going to feel sorry for you for being lazy and/or "too busy." This is life. You want a picture with Santa on Christmas Eve? Get. In. Fucking. Line.

However, I'd be lying if I said I didn't love being in demand… especially when it involved the joy of Christmas!

Sure, I may mock the people who come in to get their children's picture with Santa, but in the end the only thing that matters is that everyone is enjoying Christmas. Christmas is about being happy, and loving your family, and making them happy. But what do I know? My main goal all during the "normal" Christmas season was chasing an elf who appeared to want nothing to do with me. I am not the best judge here.

Back on track Emmett, _jeez._

It was around 5 o'clock, three hours before the mall closed, and I was to be finished with my last shift as Santa, when I received a folded note with my information about the child before the photo.

I got the little envelope that gave me important details about the child; "allergic to peanuts," "hates dinosaurs," "wants a helicopter: please dissuade," "we are getting her a pony, please hint at it without giving it away," etc.

This envelop said "he wants a BB gun. Promise him a Nerf." Which seemed pretty run of the mill for me, until I noticed the small, folded note on top of the envelope. I quickly opened it before the child entered the little "Santa House" where I was out of view from everyone but Alice.

_Stay late. I promise, it will be worth it._

I instantly looked at Alice, startled, but hoping against all hope that it was her who had intended to give the note to me. The moment we made eye contact, she gave me a deliciously evil grin and a wink. For the love of… how was I supposed to handle children sitting on my lap when that little vixen gave me boners like that?

I thought about Edward having sex with the big-eyed, beyond socially-awkward elf, which helped immensely until it was time to close. It was an excruciating few hours. But, every time I thought about getting my moment with Alice, I realized how worth it, it was.

Soon, everyone had gone, and the only people left in the mall were the janitors, Alice, and me. I had changed into jeans and a white t-shirt under a thick, cabled ivory sweater. I had always insisted to Edward that the sweater was beyond gay, but it was all I had clean.

I went into the little Santa house to grab my soda before I left, and I found Alice sitting in my chair, still in her elf outfit.

"Hey, Alice," I said as I ducked under the chair to grab my soda. I kept my face completely stoic as I envisioned her actually responding. By this point in time, I had assumed she either absolutely despised me for some unknown reason, or she spoke horrible English. I was way past the point where I had convinced myself the note was not from her.

"Hi, Emmett," she said immediately. Surprisingly. Seductively, even. Her voice was low, husky, if voices as high pitched as hers could be husky.

I grabbed my soda and adjusted my pants in an attempt to hide the effect she had on me the first time she ever said my name.

"How are you?" I asked, feeling infinitely lame as I stood up straight again. Did she leave me the note? Was it one of the moms? Was it a cruel joke?

Alice looked down at the floor as she responded, her cheeks turning the color of tomatoes.

"Oh, I'm okay. Your seat is… well, your seat is very comfortable," she said. She seemed confused by the idea. I would have felt bad, you know, if I hadn't felt uncomfortable in her presence every day because she handed out boners like free lap dances from a Reno stripper.

"Uh, thanks?" It was the only response I could muster up. I did the best I could. I was fighting off the urge to grab her closest orifice and stuff an appendage into it. It didn't even matter which it was. I wanted her. Like, twenty minutes ago.

"Emmett," she said, and then paused for a moment. She looked around, literally everywhere but at me, which didn't amount to a lot in the Santa shed. She seemed embarrassed, or maybe just apprehensive.

"I was wondering, if maybe, you thought…"

Alice trailed off, still sweeping her eyes across the small space. I realized then that I had to admit exactly how I was feeling. Sure, most women would probably be horrified by what I had to say, but Alice seemed like she needed to know what was going on in my head. I couldn't blame her for that. Full disclosure was sort of my thing.

"Alice, I sort of… Well, okay." I took a deep breath, and when I realized she was still looking anywhere but at me, I grabbed her chin and tilted her face to look at mine. Once I knew we were making direct eye contact, I continued.

"I don't know what it is, Alice. But I need you. Seriously, seriously need you. I wish I could tell you it was in an innocent way, but it totally isn't. I have spent the last month creating an extensive list of things I want to do to you that will make you feel so good you forget how to speak."

I had intended to unload a really deep, emotionally finished statement that would let me get over her ASAP… instead, I spoke directly to her hormones, while a creepily upbeat version of "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" played over the speakers above us.

Apparently, though, it was the perfect words.

Alice stood, pushed me into the Santa chair, and then moved to stand directly between my legs.

"You want me?" she said very calmly. Almost too calmly.

I nodded. Alice smiled wickedly

"Tell me what you want," she said, looking me straight in the eye, all shyness gone.

"I want to fuck you in every way imaginable. The worst that could happen is that you won't have an orgasm. As far as I'm concerned, that's the best 'negative' option available. I mean, I don't have orgasms all the time. Like while I'm grocery shopping, when I get my hair cut, when I-"

"Emmett, just do it. I've waited like, a month here. I'm out of patience."

That was all I needed.

I grabbed Alice by the hips, and pulled her toward me. I kissed her on every inch of exposed skin, except for her lips. I wanted her to beg for that. I wanted to actually hear her beg for me to kiss her. It just seemed like the hottest thing ever.

Alice was straddling my legs, with my hands on her hips and her forehead on my shoulder, as I tried to perform everything she needed me to.

In almost no time at all, I was licking the fascinatingly delicious sweat off of her collar bones while I let my right hand splay down her flat stomach to where she was practically grinding against me. The girl was a practiced temptress, clearly.

When I finally made contact with what I had been dreaming of, I'm pretty sure I groaned louder than she did. She was perfect, smooth, hairless, swollen, completely ready. Her breath hitched every time I applied a little pressure, so of course, I teased her mercilessly.

"I've never… I've never had one, Emmett. I want you to make me… Please. I want to…"

She didn't say anything that made any real sense, but I understood. This was a task I could complete.

It's the season of giving, after all.

I stopped teasing, and I did everything I could to make her make those fantastic noises. After another few minutes, I decided the stupid elf tights were expendable. I pulled my hand out of the front of them, and ripped them directly down the center seam, exposing her barely-there underwear. Then, I ripped those, too. There was no time for being gentle; I was a man on a mission.

With shreds of green tights hanging from her upper thighs, I went back to work. I used both hands, one inside and one out, and did everything I could to make her say my name.

It didn't take long.

I had moved my right hand so she could ride it, and rub against my palm at the same time, so my left hand was free. When I moved my hand up, Alice opened her eyes just enough to see what I was doing. I smiled and winked at her before putting my fingers in my mouth, getting my first taste of elf. I was not disappointed. Alice made a sort of choked noise before shuddering slightly on my hand, and grabbed my shoulders. I knew she was close.

I grabbed her hair and pulled her head back so I could have unrestricted access to where her shoulder met her throat, and moved my hand faster in and against her. The second I bit down on her throat, Alice came with a scream that rattled my bones. It was fantastic. Her whole body tensed, and she convulsed so hard that her tight, _tight_ body actually pushed my fingers out of her.

When she caught her breath, she tilted her head forward to look at me.

"So, how was your first-" but she cut me off.

"I just said that to make sure you put in some effort." She huffed a few breaths, calming down a bit. "Holy shit that paid off."

I'm pretty sure the sound that erupted from my throat was a snarl, but Alice only giggled. I stood quickly, pushed her up against the wall of the little house, and quickly unbuttoned my jeans. In a movement so smooth I didn't realize it until she was done, she pushed my pants down with her heels, and slid directly on to me. It was my turn to make awkward, breath-hitched noises.

The moment I began moving, we both realized that it would not be slow, or soft, or nice. It was going to be fast, and rough, and aggressive. She held on tight wherever she could, and I slammed so hard into her that I could hear her shoulders pound into the wall behind her. We were both manic. Every time we collided, she made a soft grunting sound, and soon she was thrashing into me.

Her hair was in my mouth, her nails latched into the skin on the back of my neck, her heels digging into the small of my back, pushing me harder and faster. Just when I was feeling my stomach tighten, Alice pushed me back and hopped onto the floor. Wordlessly, she pushed me back into the chair, and straddled my lap with her back to my stomach.

In no time at all, she placed a foot on either side of my legs and grabbed one of my hands to rub where we were once again joined. I couldn't help but laugh at her assertiveness after she ignored me for an entire month. She told me to shut up and began to move more quickly on top of me.

She bounced, I rubbed. We both became very close, very quickly; the closer Alice got, the quieter she became. I, on the other hand, only grunted louder. For some reason, the moment she bent her head back to rest it on my shoulder, we both lost it.

Alice didn't scream this time; she didn't breathe, she didn't make a sound. She became stock still, and I grabbed her hips and moved twice more inside her before I couldn't move another inch. Or think. Or open my eyes.

We sat a moment, calming down and remembering how to breathe normally. I kissed the back of her neck, her ears, pulled her elf costume down to kiss her shoulders, then she began to laugh.

She put her pointer finger to her nose, and spoke around her giggles.

"Not it on cleaning the Santa chair."

Sure, getting jizz out of red velvet is difficult, but it was so, so worth it.

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><p>Ever had to get love-juice out of something difficult to clean? I want to hear the humorous details!<p> 


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